There are many misconceptions about the differences between Christmas and Chanukah. This should clear them up!
1. Christmas is one day, same day, every year: December 25th. Jews also love December 25th. It’s another paid day off work. We go to the movies and out for Chinese food.
2. Chanukah is eight days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that is. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jew asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don’t look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Jewish funeral home.
3. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us. We survived. Let’s eat.
4. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos. Jews get practical presents such as underwear or socks.
5. There is only one way to spell Christmas or Xmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc.
6. Christmas carols are beautiful: Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful, etc. Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by Jews. And don’t Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully.
7. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people gather around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.
8. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes.
9. Parents can’t wait to deliver presents to their children on Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.
10. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our gentile friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.
Reminds me of a Jewish joke I heard recently. A Jewish boy comes home to tell his mother he got a part in the school play. They were both excited. Then she asks him what part he got and he replied "I’m the Jewish husband", at which time she exclaimed "You go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!".