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Daddy’s rules for dating

Daddy’s rules for dating

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Daddy’s Rules for Dating

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “Barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “early.”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. But, before you even think of dating my daughter, you’ll have to fill out the Application for Permission to Date My Daughter.

Application for permission to date my daughter

Application for permission to date my daughter

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APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________  DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________  WEIGHT____________  IQ__________  GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________  DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________  CITY/STATE___________  ZIP______

Do you have parents?               ___Yes  ___No
Is one male and the other female?  ___Yes  ___No
If No, explain:
       ______________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
       ______________________________________________________________

       ______________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van?              __Yes  __No

B. A truck with oversized tires?                    __Yes  __No

C. A waterbed?                                      __Yes  __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back?            __Yes  __No

E. A tattoo?                                        __Yes  __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,               __Yes  __No
   pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY.  I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION: 

In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?

       ______________________________________________________________

       ______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

       ______________________________________________________________

       ______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?

       ______________________________________________________________

       ______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

       father? _____________

       mother? _____________

       pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: 

Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

       ______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

       ______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

       ______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

       ______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

       ______________________________________________________________

       ______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

       ______________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________      ________________________________
Mother's Signature                   Father's Signature

_______________________________      ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi                  State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.  Please do
not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would
cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
(you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy’s Rules for Dating.

Door-to-door solicitation

Door-to-door solicitation

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Door to door solicitation is a a common problem in neighborhoods and one that comes up periodically in mine.
Municipalities can pass rules governing solicitations but the Supreme Court has upheld the constitutional right of missionaries, politicians, and others to knock on doors without first getting permission from local authorities. Go here from some references on this ruling: 1 2 3

The Berkeley Police Department offers this advice on handling Door to Door solicitations:

If you feel that the person who has come to your door is trying to sell or solicit anything under false pretences, please immediately telephone the police. If the solicitor threatens, intimidates you or refuses to leave, please dial 911 for immediate service.

We also recommend that you acknowledge anyone knocking at your door or ringing the door bell.
After not answering a knock at the door, residents occasionally find that they were victimized by the person who had just knocked at their door. You should never open the door to someone you do not know, but always acknowledge that you are home. If you prefer, go to the door with the phone in your hand.

None of this is intended to say that all persons going door to door are doing so illegally or that they are criminals, although historically, there have been many persons soliciting under false pretences. You are the only who can decide if you feel that the solicitation is suspicious. If you are not certain, call the police for assistance. You have the right to ask them to leave printed materials so that you can check into the business or organization. Then you are able to do your own research and if you decide, you may send them a check at a later time. Never provide a door to door solicitor with a check or credit card number. As you may know, identity theft is the fastest growing crime internationally.

There may also be a correlation between someone soliciting and persons casing your house and neighborhood for burglaries. Even if you do not give someone money or buy their products, someone else in your neighborhood may become a victim. Call the police anytime you feel the person or solicitation is possibly illegal. It is also a good idea to let your neighbors know, in case the solicitor tries to victimize them also.

Survivor China: James is a class act

Survivor China: James is a class act

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Survivorchinajames Never have a group of folks been so scared of repercussions for going behind someone’s back when voting a trusted tribe member off.  James was physically strong, assertive, a force.  But I have to say James’  final words were the classiest I’ve heard.  He basically said he wasn’t mad, they did what they had to do,  it was a smart move on their part, and the  most impressive, he blamed himself for throwing the dice one too many times and not playing one of the TWO idols in his possession.

Hats off to you James!

I’d like to see a show where the “social” aspect is deemphasized and the “survivor” skills more emphasized.  The most worthy ones rarely win.

Andy’s work

Andy’s work

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I worked with Andy here at DVFilm.  He’s a budding director.  He recently showed me a music video he shot in California. It looked great.  I guess I can say I helped a smidgen.  Before he shot the video, he practiced on me to try out some new equipment.  Click HERE, right click on burning.mov and download the file before playing .  I’ll just sit back and wait to be discovered now!

Check out Andy’s Braveheart 2000 Trailer which did well in the Unnecessary Sequels contest.

Too much technology

Too much technology

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If I needed proof I have too much technology in my home, my 10 year old made it crystal clear this evening. Cassidy wanted to watch a TV show in my office on our Samsung.  I have it set to cycle through the High-Definition stations only with the antenna setting set to over the air.  You have to switch the antenna setting to Cable to get all the stations available in our other rooms that are connected to our basic cable.  Anyway, she couldn’t find the station she wanted.  She DID know how to use the XBOX360 connected to the Samsung to access  Windows Media Center on my PC.  So she fired THAT up, selected My TV and promptly began streaming Live TV from the PC (with a TV tuner card) to the XBOX so she can watch it on our HDTV which is also connected to cable! Caramba!

XBOX 360 & Elite

XBOX 360 & Elite

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In light of this weeks announcement about the new XBOX Elite, I thought I’d post about my recent XBOX 360 experience.  I picked up a used XBOX 360 on Craig’s list about three weeks ago.  It was a bundle with tons of accessories and I have been extremely pleased with the system. 

The system is a Core with a hard disk added.  It included component cables, a wireless adapter (though I have the box wired to my network), a plug-and-play adapter for the wireless controller, an extra wired controller, a Microsoft wireless headset, 2 64mb memory cards, a Microsoft Driving Wheel, about 9 months left in a Gold Live account, an extra 1-year subscription to Live,  a  Gears of War branded  hard carrying case, and 5 games (Gears of War, Rainbow Six Las Vegas, Need for Speed Carbon, Tiger Woods Golf, Tony Hawk’s Project 8).

I was unable to get the component cables working to my HD TV for a while.  My first calls to Microsoft and Samsung, did not result in a solution, though access to their Tech support was good and the technicians were friendly.  After buying a component cable for my DVD player to rule out any problem with the TV, I called Microsoft for a second time.  Again, I was pleased with the access and this time they were able to solve the problem.  My TV was saying the signal from the component was unrecognized.  I was unable to try changing the HD setting on the XBOX because no picture would appear, and if I used a different connection from the XBOX, the HD settings were disabled!  Seems the key was to plugin the component but ALSO plugin the yellow composite cable so the XBOX detected component, enabling the HD settings, and I could get a video signal to the TV using the yellow composite cable.  After changing the HD setting to 720p or higher it worked. 

I always said I wouldn’t buy an XBOX 360 until I could hook it up to a HD TV. Boy, was I right.  HD gaming is beautiful and the only way to go.

Gears of War has been a blast.  Again, playing the campaign co-op with David is a huge bonding experience and the game is terrific.  BTW, there is a setting to turn off Extreme Content.  It earns it’s M rating with extreme violence (what do you expect with a chainsaw attached to you rifle?) and mature language  (several F-bombs).  We also hook up with Ed in the evening.  Being able to play co-op with a friend online using headsets is a great experience as well since there is no split-screen.  Co-op only works with two people. I wish it supported more.

Xbox360eliteSo the XBOX Elite has been officially announced.  I think the price is great if you’re buying new.  For an extra $80 above the price of the premium you get the bigger hard drive ($179 sold separately), you get new HDMI cables (not that big a deal, though there is disagreement from some, consensus is that it is equivalent to component), and you get a transfer cable to move your content between the old and new HD.  The console itself is black and I’m sure it is sweet.  There is really no new features, it’s all packaging and accessories which I could get for my 360 so in that respect, current owners shouldn’t feel left out.   It’s silly to whine about being left behind.  There is ALWAYS something better around the corner in every electronic device you buy.  The fact they did not lower the price, but make the new skew a great bargain makes this announcement a win win for old and new fans alike.

Lifestyle Businesses

Lifestyle Businesses

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Aaron talks about and points to a good article about Lifestyle Businesses.

How much money does a person need after all?  After a few millions or even 12 million (for a 50k monthly income at %5 return) as mentioned in the article, it seems you’re just greedy to go after more for yourself.  Now making more for your employees is another thing.  I think the disparity between the lowest paid employee and higest paid is obscene in most companies.