Hilarious cartoon of Bush and Kerry

Hilarious John Stewart commencement speach at his alma mater, William and Mary College.

Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

Dear Mr. Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harrassment of my co-workers and myself during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of “cut and paste” for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however, I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is “I prefer not to comment.” I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your “favorites list”, which I conveniently saved when you made me “back up” your useless files. I do believe that terms like “Lolita” are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to “take pictures of your Mother’s birthday”, you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say, I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

Cecelia

[Via Snopes]

Funny HP add about Mars

Three streakers had their car stolen while they were running nude through a restaurant.

Either there is a bird in Austin that managed to swallow a tube of toothpaste, or a managed to leave for work this morning with a glob of toothpaste on my head. I don’t know why I happened to be touching the back top of my head but I was lucky to discover it and wipe it off early this morning before a coworker endured the conflict of staring at it and having to decide whether to tell me or not, and exactly what to say, “Excuse me, you have something bird-poopish on the back of your head”.

How in the world could I have gotten it? I don’t remember giving any rabid-looking but minty-smelling kid a shoulder ride. Don’t remember fumbling with my toothbrush and having it hit my head this morning. I don’t think David’s top-bunk had toothpaste I slept in that didn’t come out in the shower (what am I doing sleeping on the top bunk? Don’t ask). I guess it will remain a mystery stored in the annals of fatherhood. At least it wasn’t that new Green Hulk brandless toothpaste Jane let Kristen pick out. Hey, everything has a silver lining.

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to caress his beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face
with both hands. “Actually, no,” the man replies. “Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his
beard and into his hair. “I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the bartender.

“Is there anything I can do?” “Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender finally manages to say.

“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”

can you guys see what I type?
no, raize
How do I set it up so you can see it?
[via bash.org]

lol
I download something from Napster
And the same guy I downloaded it from starts downloading it from me when I’m done
I message him and say “What are you doing? I just got that from you”
“getting my song back f****er”
[via bash.org]