Posted on June 23rd, 2006 No comments
"Senator Hillary Clinton is being criticized because she recently called today’s college kids lazy and uninformed. A spokesman for college kids said: ‘Whatever, lady from TV."
– Conan O’Brian
Posted on March 17th, 2006 No comments
If you leave Dad alone, you have to expect a few mishaps. The kitchen is Mom’s domain. If I try to cook, I quickly become frustrated because I can’t find stuff. I usually stick with leftovers and frozen dinners when I’m left alone like I was this week during spring break. I also try to keep the kitchen tidy and cleanup as I go. There is also invariably at least one booby trap I have to negotiate when I’m left alone in the house and linger too long in places (like the kitchen). It’s like the old Peter Sellers Pink Panther movies when he comes home and Cato is hiding somewhere ready to pounce on Clouseau.
The other night as I was leaving the kitchen I saw a cup, actually, a sippy-cup with no lid, so I quickly picked it up and dumped the contents into the sink. Thanks Cassidy. Who thinks to check for rocks at the bottom of a cup filled with water in the kitchen? If you have kids, you should. I guess.
BTW, my disposal doesnt’ work. Big surprise huh? The rocks were all flat and small, like wood chips. I thought I was clever using a piece of bread, balled up to retrieve pieces I couldn’t get with my hand. But I can feel one stubborn rock stuck on the side preventing the disposal from spinning.
Posted on December 19th, 2005 No comments
Richard posts a humorous comparision of Christmas and Hannukah. Here is a copy of what he posted:
There are many misconceptions about the differences between Christmas and Chanukah. This should clear them up!
1. Christmas is one day, same day, every year: December 25th. Jews also love December 25th. It’s another paid day off work. We go to the movies and out for Chinese food.
2. Chanukah is eight days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that is. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jew asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don’t look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Jewish funeral home.
3. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us. We survived. Let’s eat.
4. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos. Jews get practical presents such as underwear or socks.
5. There is only one way to spell Christmas or Xmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc.
6. Christmas carols are beautiful: Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful, etc. Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by Jews. And don’t Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully.
7. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people gather around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.
8. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes.
9. Parents can’t wait to deliver presents to their children on Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.
10. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our gentile friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.
Reminds me of a Jewish joke I heard recently. A Jewish boy comes home to tell his mother he got a part in the school play. They were both excited. Then she asks him what part he got and he replied "I’m the Jewish husband", at which time she exclaimed "You go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!".
Posted on August 26th, 2005 1 comment
Got this through email. Would love to give proper attribution if anyone knows what the source is.
What would you do ?
You make the choice Don’t look for a punch line. There isn’t one. Read
My question to all of you is: Would you have made the same choice?
At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning disabled
children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.
After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a
"When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does
is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is
the natural order of things in my son?"
The audience was stilled by the query.
The father continued. "I believe, that when a child like Shay comes
into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and
it comes, in the way other people treat that child."
Then he told the following story: Shay and his father had walked past a
park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball.
Shay asked, "Do you think they’ll let me play?"
Shay’s father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like
Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed
to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging. Shay’s father approached one of the boys on the field and asked if Shay could play.
The boy looked around for guidance and, getting none, he took matters
into his own hands and said, "We’re losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning.. I guess he can be on our team and we’ll try to put him
in to bat in the ninth inning."
In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay’s team scored a few runs but
was still behind by three.
In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the outfield.
Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be
in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved
to him from the stands.
In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay’s team scored again. Now, with
two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and
Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.
At this juncture, let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the
Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all
but impossible ’cause Shay didn’t even know how to hold the bat properly,
much less connect with the ball.
However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved in a few
steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able to make
The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher
again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.
As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.
The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have
been the end of the game.
Instead, the pitcher took the ball and turned and threw the ball on a
high arc to right field, far beyond the reach of the first baseman.
Everyone started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!"
Never in his life had Shay ever made it to first base. He scampered
down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.
Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!"
By the time Shay rounded first base, the right fielder had the ball.
He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher’s intentions and intentionally threw the ball
high and far over the third-baseman’s head.
Shay ran toward second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously
circled the bases toward home.
Shay reached second base, the opposing shortstop ran to him, turned him
in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third!"
As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams were screaming, "Shay,
Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who
hit the "grand slam" and won the game for his team.
"That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his
face, the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity
into this world."
Posted on May 16th, 2005 No comments
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI…
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy sh**, what the he** is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway! Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 – AUSTIN ‘S AFTERBURNER CHILI…
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 – FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI…
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting sh**-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC…
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER…
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pi**es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. "Screw those rednecks!"
CHILI # 6 – VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY…
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I S… on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a** with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI…
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI…
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 – No Report
Posted on January 13th, 2005 No comments
THINGS YOU’D LIKE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK
1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.
10. Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again…
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I’m not being rude, you’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
23. Do I look like a people person?
24. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
25. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
27. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
28. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
30. Wait! Wait! I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
31. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
32 Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
33. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
34. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
35. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
36. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
37. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
38. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
39. Oh I get it… like humor… but different.
Posted on November 3rd, 2004 No comments
A side-splitting independent spoof film calling into question the Battle at Helm’s Deep.
Posted on November 3rd, 2004 No comments
Posted on September 30th, 2004 No comments
From an email:
Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character you resemble? A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well known and modern cartoon characters. The information that was gathered was made into this test: Answer all the questions with what describes you best, add up all Your points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at the End and look for your results. Do not cheat by looking at the end of the survey before you are done.
Posted on July 20th, 2004 No comments
Hilarious cartoon of Bush and Kerry