What is up.
RSS icon Email icon Home icon
  • Dog For Sale

    Posted on December 6th, 2011 Alan No comments
    A guy is driving around the back woods of  Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a  nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
    ‘You talk?’ he asks.
    ‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.
    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’
    The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
    In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’
    ‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight  years running…
    But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’
    ‘I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
    ‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
    ‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
    ‘Because he’s a  Bullshitter . He’s never been out of the yard’
  • I don’t always eat breakfast but when I do

    Posted on November 23rd, 2011 Alan No comments

  • Blonde Joke #1

    Posted on January 6th, 2010 Alan No comments
    A blonde calls  her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me.. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
    Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
    The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster..”
    Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
    She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
    “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
    He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea,  and then .” he said with a deep sigh, . .. . … . ….

    “Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box..”

  • Post Secret

    Posted on April 30th, 2009 Alan No comments

    Not kid friendly but fairly entertaining. This blog publishes postcards received of people revealing their innermost secrets.

  • Jane loves Beer

    Posted on May 16th, 2008 Alan No comments

     

    Wantbeer

    …Always has

  • Daddy’s rules for dating

    Posted on April 2nd, 2008 Alan 1 comment

    Daddy’s Rules for Dating

    Rule One:
    If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two:
    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three:
    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four:
    I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “Barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five:
    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “early.”

    Rule Six:
    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven:
    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight:
    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. But, before you even think of dating my daughter, you’ll have to fill out the Application for Permission to Date My Daughter.

  • Application for permission to date my daughter

    Posted on April 2nd, 2008 Alan No comments
    APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
    
    NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
    accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
    and current medical report from your doctor.
    
    NAME_____________________________________  DATE OF BIRTH_____________
    
    HEIGHT___________  WEIGHT____________  IQ__________  GPA_____________
    
    SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________  DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
    
    BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________
    
    HOME ADDRESS_______________________  CITY/STATE___________  ZIP______
    
    Do you have parents?               ___Yes  ___No
    Is one male and the other female?  ___Yes  ___No
    If No, explain:
           ______________________________________________________________
    
    Number of years they have been married ______________________________
    
    If less than your age, explain
           ______________________________________________________________
    
           ______________________________________________________________
    
    ACCESSORIES SECTION:
    
    A. Do you own or have access to a van?              __Yes  __No
    
    B. A truck with oversized tires?                    __Yes  __No
    
    C. A waterbed?                                      __Yes  __No
    
    D. A pickup with a mattress in the back?            __Yes  __No
    
    E. A tattoo?                                        __Yes  __No
    
    F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,               __Yes  __No
       pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
    
    (IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
    AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY.  I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
    
    ESSAY SECTION: 
    
    In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
    
           ______________________________________________________________
    
           ______________________________________________________________
    
    In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
    
           ______________________________________________________________
    
           ______________________________________________________________
    
    In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
    
           ______________________________________________________________
    
           ______________________________________________________________
    
    REFERENCES SECTION:
    
    Church you attend ___________________________________________________
    
    How often you attend ________________________________________________
    
    When would be the best time to interview your:
    
           father? _____________
    
           mother? _____________
    
           pastor? _____________
    
    SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: 
    
    Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely, all answers
    are confidential.
    
    A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
    
           ______________________________________________________________
    
    B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
    
           ______________________________________________________________
    
    C: A woman's place is in the:
    
           ______________________________________________________________
    
    D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
    
           ______________________________________________________________
    
    E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
    
           ______________________________________________________________
    
           ______________________________________________________________
    
    F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
    
           ______________________________________________________________
    
    F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
    
    I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
    THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
    NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
    WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
    
    _________________________________________________________
    Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
    
    _______________________________      ________________________________
    Mother's Signature                   Father's Signature
    
    _______________________________      ________________________________
    Pastor/Priest/Rabbi                  State Representative/Congressman
    
    Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
    non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.
    
    You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.  Please do
    not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would
    cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
    notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
    (you might watch your back)

    To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy’s Rules for Dating.

  • My all time favorite comedians

    Posted on October 25th, 2007 Alan No comments

    Stephen Wright
    Gary Shandling
    Emo Phillips
    Richard Jeni
    Jeff Foxworthy
    George Carlin , YouTube Obitiary 
    Paula Poundstone (She is SO good on Wait Wait Don't Tell Me)

  • Sad tale of technology dependence

    Posted on February 2nd, 2007 Alan No comments

    Funny experince with passwords

    "…I wished I had never seen a computer before.  I remembered the Amish
    community just south of Champaign and wondered if they would take me in."

  • Funny quotes on marriage

    Posted on August 8th, 2006 Alan No comments
    [Copied from Maryam’s Blog]

    Marriage is a three-ring circus: ?   Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
    ~~~~~~~~
    For Sale: ?   Wedding dress, size 8. ?   Worn once by mistake. ?   
    ~~~~~~~~
    There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman: ?   Before marriage and after marriage.
    ~~~~~~~
    My husband and I divorced over religious differences. ?   He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
    ~~~~~~~
    I dialed a number and got the following recording: 
    "I
    am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I
    am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the
    beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
    ~~~~~
    My wife and I had words, but I didn’t get to use mine.
    ~~~~~
    God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.